Am I Healthy?

Crisp Afternoons Crisp Afternoons

Crisp Afternoons

Am I healthy? I’m overweight, that’s a given, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. And mentally I’m a bit all over the place… but does that count? When I think about myself, and my choices, am I as healthy as I possibly could be?

No. Not at all. Not in any way.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, as I take off my winter coat to walk up the six flights of stairs to my flat because I get too hot, or as I grab myself a sneaky fudge hot chocolate from Starbucks between lectures. Am I actually healthy? Is this healthy?

‘Healthy’ itself is a really loaded word, isn’t it? It’s dripping in connotations that make us squirm just thinking about them. Things like weight and food and the amount we drink and exercise, and whether we’re doing it right or wrong and whether we’re doing enough and should we cut out things completely or is moderation key and WHAT DOES IT ALL EVEN MEAN?!

And, more importantly, what does it mean to me?

I’m not healthy, in any sense of the word. I’m unfit, I live off on-the-go style food, and I haven’t taken my Sertraline for well over a month now. My excuse is that I’ve been busy. I’m never home around meal times so tend to live off junk that I can find nearby, and I’m always in meetings or lectures, or trying to catch up on blogging or uni work, so never really find time to hit the gym or anything like that.

It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now.

I’ve always had a weird relationship with health. When I was 18/19 I was really into the idea of being healthy. REALLY into it. Too into it. So into it that I’d run 10k a day and eat from the children’s menu in restaurants because I thought that was what it meant to be healthy and happy. In reality, I probably wasn’t well, and spent a lot of my day tired or on edge. I wasn’t healthy. I was under-eating and over-exercising.

Fast forward to Paris and this lack of balance flipped completely on its head. Suddenly it was the other way round and the constant need to be healthy turned into a constant need to fill some kind of void with food. Classic binge eating – it made me sad, and less likely to exercise, and yeah. It all flipped on its head. I spent a lot of my time alone, and made up for it with food.

It’s a habit that I’m finding it incredibly hard to break. Too hard to really try, to be honest.

I’ve found the last month especially tough. I have no idea what I’m doing and no idea how to fix it, and the more it bothers me, the more I let it win. It’s one of those cycles that I’m finding really hard to break. Part of me just can’t be bothered and that part seems to be a lot stronger than the part that wants to be happy and healthy.

I think I’m also scared of being healthy, because to me healthy meant being unhealthy in an entirely different way. So do I keep doing what I’m doing and be on one end of the spectrum, or change entirely and go to the complete other end? It’s a battle between unhealthy and unhealthy with no idea what the middle ground is.

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Does anyone know what the balance between those two polar opposites is? I’ve asked a few people, and had a google, and no one seems to really know.

I’m aware that you can be healthy at any size, so I’m not worried about that. I’m not about to start shaming anyone like a bellend because I’m not about that life. Healthiness and size are just not an issue in any way. As long as you’re happy we’re all good in my book.

But I’m not happy. I’m not happy with the way I look or the way I feel in my clothes and the very little fitness I have is frankly upsetting. I’m not happy at all. With anything. I’m tired all the time and basically just about holding it together.

But I’m scared of starting again, again. It terrifies me. Showing weakness.

And even if I started again I’d have no idea what I was doing.

And do I even want to start again? Can I even be bothered? Aren’t we defined by more than how fast we can walk up a hill?

It’s more than that though, isn’t it. Health is so much more than what people see on the outside, and what people see on the outside is just so irrelevant to health. Health is so personal and so subjective, and something everyone takes care of differently.

Am I healthy? No. Is that okay? Well… no not really? But at least I know that, and I can take steps to better myself for the right reasons. That’s all I can really hope for. x

Crisp Afternoons
Crisp Afternoons

Crisp Afternoons



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  • Callme Coops

    Why does starting again show weakness? Positive steps in any direction should be commended.
    I’m in a similar boat and would like to be healthier, not to look better, but to feel better. Don’t be hard on yourself x

  • I think you’re being really hard on yourself! Taking yourself back to another starting point is by no means showing a weakness. Small steps in whatever direction your choose will make a difference to you, I’m sure! x

  • This is definitely something a lot of people – including me – struggle with! I most definitely have experienced that unhealthy ‘healthy’ end of the spectrum and I’m finding it difficult to strike a balance with these tendencies to be or look ‘healthy’ and my lack of motivation. I agree with Amanda, you’re being hard on yourself (hippocrit alert, I do the exact same to myself!) and I think that doing things to make you feel better – even if it’s just a longer walk to uni or walk to a further away Starbucks/shops to buy yourself that treat – is absolutely not showing weakness. Everyone goes through these conflicting thoughts and I’m sure everyone goes through this step as well!

    Daughter of An Air Hostess // Fashion, Travel & Lifestyle

  • This is such an amazing post! I feel like mentally its always hard to acknowledge whether you are healthy or just simply ‘coping’

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    Elllie xx

  • Absolutely 100% feel this post. I’ve never been conventionally thin, but I have always tried to be healthy, eat my veg, limit my alcohol and exercise a plenty, yet in doctors terms I do overconsume and therefore am obese. I think sorting your mental health is so important, and eating the right things to nourish your body and exercising purely for the joy of it rather than for anything else will greatly add to that approach, but you’re totally right when you say that weight and size, realistically is only one small part of “health” Alice xxx

    http://www.woodenwindowsills.co.uk

  • Melody Ramos

    Completely understand where you’re coming from. I think a majority of us have been there. There is NOTHING wrong or shameful or weak about starting again. The only time you fail is when you give up.
    I don’t know the details of your struggle but a source that really helps me when I’m having negative thoughts about food or exercise is https://www.thereallife-rd.com/ ..maybe it can help you as well πŸ™‚

  • It’s really hard to go from wanting to be healthy, to actually being healthy. Finding time, and the motivation, to work out. Knowing what to eat and what not to eat. And, as you touched upon, finding advice on what’s healthy and what’s not is really hard. No one really seems to know, and that’s what makes it so easy to go from one extreme to the other. Perhaps start with making time once or twice a week for a home cooked meal? It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, but that might be a good start. It’s something I’m trying to do, as my husband and I live off takeaways and junk food. So we’re trying to eat at home more, even though we both work and come home not wanting to bother! Good luck πŸ™‚ x http://www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x

  • I can definitely understand being scared of starting again, because what if we fail again? But I’ve always been an advocate that you should always be trying, especially if something is making you unhappy. I wouldnt consider myself overweight, but i’m definitely unfit. This summer I was SO into my exercise, I ran 5k’s everyday and did HIIT training. I was obsessed. As soon as I stopped I entered this defeatist attitude, what’s the point? I’m only going to stop again.

    It sounds ridiculous but I am waiting for the new year to roll around to start again. I’m too busy with my MA to start at the moment and this year has been so draining for me I’m waiting for a blank slate.

    I loved reading this post and think it’s one of the longest comments I’ve ever written. Thanks for being so open.

    Abigail Alice x

  • Cerys Elder

    Great post! – cerysfaye (http://cerysfaye.co.uk/)