I‘m really nervous about this year. There isn’t a particular reason or any particular reasons for this, I’m just nervous. I think it’s going to be a weird year. Year 4 of my university adventure (lol) and I kinda wish it wasn’t necessary, while also kinda wishing that I don’t have to graduate at the end of it. Get what I mean? Nah, me neither.
I’ve moved back to Durham, back into college, and I’m living with some really really lovely people and that’s all super chill. Having lived alone last year, and had less than fortunate experiences the years before that, I’m kinda shy and a little meh. I’m still feeling a little ill and don’t really know anyone that well and I’m almost hermitting myself away a bit but that’s cool. I don’t want to jump in too strong. I’m quite happy being in and out and whatever. I’m not the most fun at the moment, either way.
I’m nervous about work too. It’s been well over a year since I last had to do any school work. In Paris, despite being at uni, I did nothing. I rattled out a few grammar exercise and whatever, and did a few easy exams, and that was my year. This time, I drove straight into Durham and walked straight over to the Theology department to see my dissertation supervisor. I hadn’t even unpacked and there I was talking about essays and reading and modules and theology and I honestly can’t remember how to do any of it. I’m sure it’ll all come back asap. I’m dreading my first essay though – probably in the next week or two – so that’s going to be fun.
I feel like I need more time. I mean, three months was so long for a summer and I couldn’t wait for them to finish, in the end, but now I’m here I wish it had been longer. I’m not ready yet. I’m still ill and awkward and a bit sad, and Ollie isn’t here anymore and it’s all just a little overwhelming at the moment.
I want to just sit in my room and do some work and not have the extra stress of having to make brand new friends in college and brand new friends on my course.
Then again, nothing can be worse than last year, or better either. The friends I’ll make will already be mutual friends and we’ll already have something in common or something to talk about. We’re all in a similar boat and have had, and will have, similar experiences to share. I’ve had a few lectures and spent a few evenings with new friends and there really have been no problems and no issues and everyone really is so nice.
It’s just not what I’ve been used to.
But then, I’m used to living completely alone and isolated.
I think I’m just tired from all the excitement of moving back in and seeing people and being back somewhere I love for the first time in a while.
It’s fine – it’s only been a few days and that’s nowhere near enough time to get my head around everything and sort my life out completely. I couldn’t even imagine trying to be a full on fresher again, it would kill me! Then again, it wouldn’t be my final year, post year of nothing.
We’ll see how we go.
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